What Might Have Been
by PiperFox
Summary: CACY: It's been awhile, but after watching season 5 on DVD and remembering what an awesome relationship they had I thought this was the best place to archive this story written in 2000. What would have happened if Lucy had survived the attack?
1. The Long Road

**The Long Road**

**AUTHOR: Piper Fox  
EMAIL:  
SERIES TITLE: What Might Have Been **  
RATING: T 13+  
NUMBER OF PARTS: Ten (each with their own title)  
FEATURE CHARACTERS: Carter and Lucy (plus some of the others who appear from time to time) Friendship/Relationship/Angst  
SUMMARY: What would have happened if Lucy had survived? A story focusing on her recovery and her relationship with Carter.

_Here is my first Fan fic. I hope you enjoy it. Comments are much appreciated._

(March): A few weeks after the attack . . .

The air in the room was still; hung with an essence of coldness and sterility. Perhaps it was the emptiness. A small cabinet, chair and bed were all that the room contained. A woman lay still in the bed. Her glowing golden hair framed her face with an eerie halo. It was hard to imagine that this little doll-like figure was alive. However, every few seconds the laboured sounds of her breath echoed about the room. The air was refreshed as the door slowly opened and four figures entered the room; three women and a man.

"She's breathing on her own now I see," a petite woman with brown hair commented.  
"Yes," said another with a notable English accent. "She's doing so much better."

The other woman, of oriental descent, moved towards the chair. The man, watching her, smiled cheekily, but said nothing. The woman in the bed stirred and moaned softly.

"She's coming around," the man observed.

Med-student Lucy Knight struggled to open her eyes. Everything was blurred. She blinked several times and began focusing on the shapes around her bed. In the chair next to her was Jing-Mei Chen, whom Lucy had worked with before her attack. Behind Jing-Mei was Dave Malucci, and on the other side of her bed she could see Abby Lockhart. As she glanced around her eyes finally rested on the face of Elizabeth Corday, the surgeon who helped to save Lucy's life.

"Hello Lucy, how are you?" she asked.

Lucy licked her lips and suddenly felt like she hadn't had a drink in years. "I . . ." she murmured. "I'm okay."

"That's good to hear." Abby smiled cheerfully. "Up and about in no time."

Lucy smiled and pointed towards the cup on the cabinet. "Drink . . . please."

"Sure, Lucy." Dave reached over and handed it to Jing-Mei, who helped Lucy to take a few sips.

Lucy smiled her thanks. She looked around the room at all the faces smiling back. She felt so happy; as happy as someone could be in her situation. She was alive. She could breathe. It was a miracle to her. She would never forget the feeling of death. Lying on the floor in curtain three, she had felt her life ebbing away. Then, adding to her distress, she had to watch her supervising doctor and friend, John Carter, go through the same agony. Being stabbed in the neck, not to mention her stomach, meant that she couldn't warn him of the crazed, knife wielding schizophrenic. Carter. John. She looked slowly at each face. He still hadn't come to see her. "John," she whispered hoarsely. "Where is he?"

"He um . . ." Jing-mei searched for words. "He was tired. He couldn't make it up today."

Lucy couldn't hide the disappointment in her face.

"He'll probably come up tomorrow," Jing-Mei said reassuringly.

Lucy still saw the awkward glances exchanged by Dave and Abby.

The truth was, that John Carter was very reluctant to visit Lucy. His injuries, not as serious as hers, were improving by vast amounts each day. Yet he would still sit there virtually oblivious to anything they said. He would just nod or grunt and then turn back to staring out the window, off in his own little world. It worried them to see him this way. Sure, being stabbed with a six inch knife was a life changing event, but there was something else upsetting Carter.

Lucy shuddered. Her whole body ached, and she was almost always in pain. Emotionally, she wasn't any better. In time she knew she would have to relive the whole awful incident to some psychiatrist. She wondered how Carter was dealing with all this. Somehow, at this point she believed she would never know. Carter obviously didn't want to see her and she couldn't go to him. _"I wanna talk to him, but at least he is okay,"_ she consoled herself. She just couldn't imagine what it would have been like if he had died. Admittedly, they hadn't always seen eye to eye, but he was always there for her. Something deep inside of her had been triggered again. She couldn't help it, but sometimes her thoughts about Carter turned romantic. She hadn't thought of him in this way for a while now. His rejection after a brief lovers tryst had forced her to forget him. Still, as much as she wanted and needed him, he just wasn't there for her. Without realising it, tears had formed and were making wet tracks down her cheeks.

"Hey," Elizabeth said, "you're fine. It's going to be a long road before you are back to your best, but we are all here for you." The others murmured in agreement. "We had better be off now, let you get some rest." She smiled as she and the others turned to go.

"Thank you," Lucy said softly, blinking back the tears. She felt trapped, alone and confused; stuck in a sea of emotions, pain washing over her with each new wave. _"Will it ever go away?"_ she wondered. _"Why can't I just have my life back?"_ Unfortunately it wasn't that simple.


	2. Picking up the Pieces

**Picking up the Pieces**

**AUTHOR: Piper Fox  
EMAIL: **

**_Disclaimer: See Part one._**

(March): A few minutes later . . .

Elizabeth Corday closed the door quietly, taking note of the conversation outside.

"So how long are you on for Abby?" Dave said to her as they walked away.

"Til seven," she replied.

"Same . . . you wanna see if we can get out of here for a bit?"

"Yeah, okay."

_"There he goes again,"_ Elizabeth smirked silently.

"I'm glad she's coming along so well," Jing-mei Chen remarked, turning away from the window into Lucy's room.

"So am I. She was very close to not making it," Elizabeth said, her mind wandering back a few weeks to when she and Robert Romano, had brought Lucy back from the brink of death.

"How do you think she is handling all this?"

"I don't know . . . time will tell I guess."

"Yeah, John's not doing too well. I think I'll visit him again," Jing-Mei decided.

A Few Minutes Later . . .

John Carter was sitting on his bed, trying to read a magazine, when Jing-Mei entered.

"Hi John," she said pleasantly.

"Hi Deb," he said, referring to her old name as he often did.

"How about a walk?" she suggested.

"No thanks."

"C'mon John, doctor's orders."

He frowned, but eventually gave in. He knew the tone in her voice, and he couldn't be bothered resisting. Jing-Mei took hold of his right arm, and soon they were making a reasonable pace along the lengths of the hospital wards.

"Let's sit here," she suggested. Carter nodded and let her help him towards a row of chairs.

"So what's this about?" he asked.

"Can't I just come and see how you are doing?"

"You just saw me half an hour ago."

"I'm worried about you, John."

"I'm okay," he lied.

A few minutes of uncomfortable silence followed. John didn't know what to say. His frustration was obvious to the people around him and yet he was unsure how to tell anyone his problems.

"I really think you ought to go and see Lucy."

"No, I can't."

"Why not? She looked so disappointed when she realised you weren't there this afternoon."

Carter said nothing. He couldn't. "I don't want to face her right now."

Jing-Mei continued, "I can't keep lying to her for you."

"I can't go Deb . . . I just can't." He sounded distressed. "She nearly died because of me."

"John, you nearly died too."

"But it's my fault . . . I almost killed her." His eyes were full of disgust.

"Hey, that lunatic Sobriki used that knife . . . not you."

"I feel so bad. If only I had paid more attention to her."

"There is nothing that could have been done to change what happened," she said, putting a comforting arm around him.

"Shit Deb," he said running his hands though his hair "I feel so bad, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I . . ."

"Shh, Lucy doesn't blame you. It was an unfortunate incident."

Carter sat very still in her arms. If only he could believe her. _"What if Lucy does blame me?"_ he thought. _"She'll never forgive me."_ He still wanted to hope, yet all he could hear were Lucy's last words to him that day – "Just forget it, Carter."

That same sentence echoed around his thoughts each second of the day. She had been angry with him because he had repeatedly ignored her. "Just forget it, Carter." And that was exactly what he had done, and now he had basically ruined her life.

Three Days Later . . .

Curiosity got the better of Carter, and he decided to go and see how Lucy was doing. He stood outside the window to her room and looked in. He could see her small figure lying still in the bed. _"How did this happen?"_ he wondered over and over again. The morning sun cast rays over her sleeping face. He knew that he could have stayed and watched her all day. His back, however, had other ideas so he started to leave.

"You can go in if you like," a nurse with a quiet voice told him.

After a minute he decided he would. _"After all,"_ he reasoned with himself, _"she is asleep."_ Sitting next to her was much easier on his back. He watched her closely and listened to the rhythmical sounds of her breath. After half an hour, he got up to stretch. He glanced out the window and noted that the room had an amazing view.

"Carter." Her voice broke the silence. He spun around to face her.

"You're awake," he said nervously, avoiding her watchful eyes.

"Yes," she smiled. "I'm glad you came. I've been wondering how you are."

"You have? I'm getting better. How about you?"

"Oh me . . . well I've been better. But, I'm still here, fighting away."

His face darkened. "Oh, Luce, you don't know how sorry I am."

"For what?" She studied him closely. His eyes were filled with guilt and remorse.

"This mess."

"Come here." She held out her hand to him, which he took reluctantly.

"I never meant for this to happen to you . . . it's all my fault."

"No, it's not Carter, but I'm going to get though this . . . and so are you."

"Will you ever forgive me?"

"Oh, John," she said. Calling him by his first name sounded strange to her. "There is nothing to forgive . . . I just want my life back."

"I know what you mean. I feel so helpless," he admitted.

"Can we just be friends? I mean start over and forget the past?"

"I'd like that." He smiled weakly.

"Good." She smiled back at him.

They talked some more until Carter had to leave.

"Will you stop by tomorrow?" Lucy asked hopefully.

"Yeah, I will," Carter promised. "Bye."

Lucy rested her head back against her pillow. It was a relief to have sorted things out with Carter. She found it hard to believe he had so much guilt over what had happened to her. _"Maybe he doesn't think me to be just an annoying student after all."_ At least now some things in her life were coming together. _"This may be just the beginning, but at least I've started to put things back in place."_


	3. How the Stong Survive

**How The Strong Survive**

**AUTHOR: Piper Fox  
EMAIL: **

**_Disclaimer: (see part one) The characters Alex Casey and Dr Margo James are mine._**

**This is part three. It's got a bit of medical stuff in it, and I'm not an expert so forgive me if it's not 100 accurate, I tried my best. This part is a bit of a filler, not much to do with my lucy/carter storyline. I think it just helps fill in the time of her recovery. I've introduced my first new character, Alex Casey. She is Carol Hathaway's replacement, who would have by now left.**

-----  
_(May): A few months later . . . _  
-----

"Carter!" Chuny called after him, as he disappeared down the corridor.

"Yeah," he replied, turning back to face her.

"Where are you off to?"

"Exam four." He started walking towards her. "Why?"

"We're going to need you. There's a multiple trauma coming in."

"ETA?"

"Three minutes . . . some guy took a gun into a bookstore," she told him.

"Okay, prep trauma one and two, STAT!" he said, moving swiftly towards trauma rooms.

"What's going on?" Alex Casey's slender figure appeared from the direction of the nurse's station.

"We got a couple of GSW's coming in," Carter explained.

"Oh . . . what can I do?"

"Um, Chuny probably needs some help in trauma one."

"Okay." She wandered away, her silky blond hair bobbing behind her.

Suddenly a gurney burst though the doors into the emergency department. "Damn it, they're early," he muttered.

"Let's go people." They heard Mark Greene's voice travel through the air. He was already beside the gurney. "What have we got?"

"Thirty five year old man, gunshot wound to the right lower abdomen at close range, no LOC, BP 90 over 70, pulse 110." The young paramedic reeled off all the necessary information and handed the patient over to reliable hands of the ER doctors.

"Let's get this patient into trauma one. Carter you take the next one."

"I'm on it." He dashed out to meet the next casualty, followed by several others.

Two dark haired paramedics were unloading a gurney from an ambulance.

"Thirty one year old male, gunshots to the right chest . . ." one paramedic began giving Carter the details.

"What else have we got?" Luka asked the second paramedic.

"This is Mrs Lowe," she said. "Mild abrasions to the head and neck, BP 100 over 85, pulse 90."

"Okay," he said, in his rich Croatian accent. "If you'll come with me, Mrs Lowe, I'll get you cleaned up."

**Meanwhile in trauma one . . .**

"I want two grams of Cefotetan." Mark worked with ease to help his patient. "IV push."

"Arrrr . . . Steve . . . where's Steve? . . . arrrrr my leg . . ." The man had blood streaming down his face.

"Sir, can you tell me your name?" Kerry Weaver asked the distressed man. "I'm going to look in your eyes."

"Wayne . . . my name's Wayne. Can you please tell me where Steve is?"

"Pupils equal and reactive," Kerry called.

"He's in the next trauma room. Don't worry, we're taking good care of him," Mark said.

"Are you going to tube him, Dr Greene?" Abby asked.

"Yes . . ."

"Can I do it?" she interrupted enthusiastically.

"Okay . . ." he began.

**In Trauma two . . .**

"Charge to two hundred . . . clear." Carter shocked the patient, in a vain attempt to get his heart going. "Charge again . . . clear . . ."

"That's it, we've done all we can," Jing-mei said quietly.

Carter nodded slowly. "Time of death 2:23." He stepped back, a look of disgust on his face. "This doesn't get any easier," he thought.

"Good work, John," Alex said, putting on a brave smile.

"Doesn't make up for it," he muttered, leaving the room.

"Hey Carter." Mark Greene suddenly appeared. "How is the gunshot patient?

"He didn't make it." Carter was exhausted.

"Oh . . . the other one is up in the OR. How are you doing anyway? Is your back giving you any trouble?

"It's not too bad." Carter said, his hand moving to his back.

"How's Lucy?"

"She's getting so much better." They sat down in the now empty corridor.

"That's good to hear."

"She won't see anyone . . . about the attack," Carter blurted out. "Her mother made her go and see Dr James. She did it once, but now she won't go back again. She claims she's fine . . . but I don't know.

"I know I can't possibly begin to imagine what it's been like for her . . . and you, but everyone survives things in their own way. Lucy has always been strong." Mark frowned.

"I guess so . . . I don't think she wants to face up to what has happened. She won't even talk to me about it."

"Um," Randi interrupted them. "There's a woman here. She's looking for a Steve Lancaster . . ."

"Do you want me to do it?" Mark offered.

"No, I'll do it." Carter stood up.

"The strong always survive to fight another day," Mark commented. "How about a drink later?"

"Sure." Carter drifted back along the corridor to give the tragic news.


	4. Emotional Bonds

**Emotional Bonds**

**AUTHOR: Piper Fox  
EMAIL: **

**_Disclaimer: See part one._**

**Note: I have no idea where Lucy's mother lived, so I just made it Chicago.**

_(July): A few months later . . . _

Lucy squealed as she gripped the side of her wheelchair. "Carter, slow down!" Wind rushed though her hair and she couldn't help but grin at her predicament. Carter was pushing her, at speed, though the hospital.

"What?" he said innocently, as he pulled her to such a quick stop she was almost thrown from the chair.

"These things need seatbelts," she commented.

"Are you saying there is something wrong with my driving?"

"Are you kidding?" she laughed. "You have got to be the worst driver I have had for this chair."

"Fine, you can walk then," Carter sulked.

"Stop it . . . I can't laugh this much . . . it hurts," she moaned.

"Okay . . . I'll take you back to your room now."

"Will you take it slow?"

"Yes ma'am."

Carter smiled as he took Lucy back to her room. It was amazing how they had become such good friends out of such an awful event. He looked forward to his visits to see her as he now saw a different side of her personality. It was refreshing for him to have her around; she had the effect of making him feel carefree. It had been hard for her, he knew. Many times, he had seen her in distress, yet she would always bounce back. _"She has such spirit,"_ he thought. She had made excellent progress with her recovery - a rigorous regime of different therapy made sure of that - but still it left her physically and mentally exhausted.

"Mom," Lucy called when she spotted her mother, Barbara Knight, sitting in her room.

"Hi darling . . . Dr Carter," she said, smiling warmly at them.

"Mrs Knight." Carter acknowledged her.

"How are you today, Lucy?"

"I'm managing."

"How are you Barbara?" Carter asked politely.

"Good and how about you?"

Carter sighed. "Not too bad . . . Lucy's keeping me busy."

"Hm, I can see that."

Lucy struggled out of the wheelchair and onto her bed. Barbara observed that Carter, who had a compassionate look on his face, was watching her closely.

"Only a few weeks until I can come home Mom," Lucy announced happily.

"Really? That's great."

"Yeah I know," Lucy's blue eyes were sparkling with contentment.

"So John . . . what have you been up to lately?" Barbara inquired.

"Working . . . there never seems to be an end to all the people that get sick," he joked. "Actually I've been looking at finding myself a new apartment."

"You never told me that," Lucy exclaimed.

He shrugged. "It never came up."

"Why's that John? I thought you were living with relatives."

"Yeah . . . Gamma's getting a bit too much for me. I've found this great place, but it's a two bedroom and I can't afford the rent without someone to share it," he explained. "Unfortunately I don't know anyone looking for a place at the moment."

"Lucy!" Barbara said suddenly.

"What Mom?"

"Well . . . you can't live with me forever. It would be nice if you could be closer to the hospital wouldn't it?"

"Are you suggesting I move in with Carter?" Lucy questioned, rather surprised. She thought her mother didn't like him. "A man that breaks your heart can never be trusted." That's what her mother had always told her.

Barbara's face went slightly red. "Well . . . he is looking for someone."

"Would you consider it, Carter?" Lucy asked, almost sure he would refuse.

"Well . . ." He thought it over for a minute. "I can't really see why not. Do you really want to move in with me?"

"Yes. I would like to . . . if you will have me."

Carter frowned. "Of course I will . . . better you than someone I don't know."

Lucy beamed. "How did that just happen? Me move in with Carter? . . . maybe it won't be too bad. We are friends now," she reminded herself. "Good friends."

Carter's beeper ruined her train of thought. "I've got to go . . . nice seeing you again, Mrs Knight. I'll call in later, Luce," he said making his way to the door.

"Bye Carter," Lucy said, as she watched her Mom run after him.

"Dr Carter can I talk to you for a minute?" Barbara asked once she was outside Lucy's room.

"If you make it quick."

"I don't want you to think that I was forcing Lucy on to you, but the truth is I don't think I'll be in Chicago much longer."

"I don't think that," Carter said impatiently, ignoring her comment.

"I want to thank you for being there for Lucy. She really relies on you . . . and I also just want to make sure that she doesn't get hurt again."

"I wouldn't let anyone hurt her Mrs Knight, but I really have to go," he said, dashing off down the corridor, leaving her standing there with an annoyed expression on her face. _"What was Mrs Knight getting at? Had she meant that I might hurt Lucy? I know I'll take good care of her. She and I are close now. I guess she's just worried, but . . ."_ He let his confusion slide as he reached the ER.

"Mom," Lucy called out. "What was that about?"

"Nothing darling," Barbara smiled at her daughter. "Come and tell me what you did today."


	5. Moving On

**Moving On**

**AUTHOR: Piper Fox  
EMAIL: **

**_Disclaimer: See part one._**

_(Aug): A Few weeks later . . ._

"Let me see," Lucy demanded.

"Not yet."

"Please . . .Carter."

"No . . . not yet."

Lucy had been discharged from hospital, and Carter was taking her to see their new apartment for the first time. He had his hands over her eyes, and was trying, with some difficulty, to open the door.

"Here we are," he announced.

Lucy stared, taking in her new surroundings. "This place is fantastic," she exclaimed.

"So you like it?" Carter said, as he picked up her bags and followed her in.

"Do I?" she said, a wide smile on her face.

"C'mon I'll show you your room. You'll love it. It has this great view . . ."

**A few weeks later . . .**

Lucy settled into the apartment easily and found living with Carter was no big deal. They had grown comfortable around each other. Before she knew it, her first day back at work had arrived. She couldn't dim the butterflies in her stomach as she and Carter walked along the few blocks to the hospital. She took a deep breath and then exhaled. Carter gazed at her with interest and suddenly grabbed her, giving her a playful hug around the waist.

"Carter!" She couldn't help smiling up at him. "What's that for?"

"Good luck, Luce," he said, realising how challenging this would be for her.

"Yuck," she said, releasing herself from his grasp. "I don't know if I can do this."

"Don't worry . . . I'll be right there behind you," he said calmly.

"Thanks," she whispered, as she glimpsed the ER she knew so well. _"Here we go, Luce."_ In her thoughts, she reflected briefly on the events over the last 6 months and somewhere deep inside, she screamed.

"Lucy!" Mark Greene called out when he saw her. "Glad to have you back . . . take it easy, okay. No point in doing anything too strenuous."

"Sure Dr Greene," she said, taking note of his kind advice.

"Welcome back Lucy!" echoed around her by many obscure voices.

"Th . . . Thank you," she said, feeling a little overwhelmed. "It's fine Lucy, don't lose it now . . . not yet . . . it's only just begun."

"Look, I'll do it," Carter said, the irritation in his voice growing stronger.

"Carter, you won't be able to do that forever," Mark Greene commented wisely.

"I'll do it."

"What are you two fighting about?" Lucy asked, as she walked up to them.

"Just a patient."

"Nothing changes around here, does it?" she smiled weakly. "It's been a long day."

"It's your patient, Lucy," Mark explained. Carter was silent, knowing he was unable to prevent the inevitable.

"It is? . . . so what's the problem?"

Mark snatched the chart from Carter. "Take a look."

Lucy scrolled her eyes down the page. "Eight year old . . . vomiting, fever . . . he's in - " she stopped suddenly, colour draining from her face. "Curtain three."

Carter dropped his eyes. He'd faced the same thing not so long ago. "I'll take it if you want," he offered.

"No . . . this is no problem. I can't avoid it forever . . . I'll manage." She walked away quickly.

Carter's eyes drifted after her. "She's taking on too much."

"Don't worry," Mark slapped him on the back. "She's stronger than we think."

"I sure hope so." Carter thought.

Lucy closed her eyes and pushed her way swiftly through the door into curtain three.

Opening them again, she discovered nothing terrifying, only a mother and her son. "Mrs Schroeder?" she asked the woman.

"Yes." She raised her eyes to meet Lucy's.

"I'm Lucy Knight. I'll be taking care of your son."

"Thank you so much . . . My name is June and this is Hamish." She cleared her throat nervously.

"I hear you've been feeling unwell," Lucy addressed the small boy lying on the bed. He remained still as if unaware of her presence, his dark eyes cutting the air as if he was looking right through her. She shook off the uneasy feeling and proceeded with her examination.

"He's been complaining of headaches. I didn't really think anything of it until he was ill this morning."

"Is there a history of migraines in your family?" she asked June.

"No."

"Right, I'm just going to take a look in your mouth." She did this and then inspected his neck closely, a picture forming in her mind. "I'm going to get one of the nurses to take some blood, so we can get a better picture of what is going on." She smiled briefly, leaving the room as quickly as possible. She ran straight into Lydia.

"Sorry," Lucy mumbled.

"That's okay Lucy, I'm glad you're back."

"Can you take some blood from Hamish Schroeder in curtain three? I want a chem7 and WBC."

"I'm on it." Lydia raised her eyebrows at the lifeless expression on Lucy's face, but soon realised what must have been going through her mind.

"Lucy!"

Carter's voice startled her. "What!" she snapped.

"Hey," he held his hands up. "I just wanted to know how it's going . . ."

"Fine . . . sorry," she frowned. "It's just so strange."

Carter said nothing, but in his eyes she saw that he understood exactly how she felt. "What's the diagnosis Dr Knight?"

"He presents with nausea, vomiting, headache. No apparent history of migraines. I'm thinking meningitis . . . but that means an LP – I don't think I can do that Carter, my first day back and . . ."

"Okay, I'll do it . . . but you have to assist." "I guess Dr Greene is right . . . I can't protect her forever, but maybe just this time."

"Thanks Carter, you're the best"

"Only this once, Lucy. If you want to make it, you're going to have to move on and put the past behind you."

"Not to worry," she said, feigning confidence. "I already have."

"I'm so glad my first day back is over," Lucy moaned to her mother when they were having dinner that night. "I felt like it was my first day again."

"I'm happy that things are getting back to normal for you."

"I know," Lucy said, taking another sip from her glass. "It's amazing when I think about it. I could have died, but I didn't and it's just weird."

"Lucy . . . I have to ask you something."

"Okay, but . . ."

"I'm thinking of moving to Los Angeles," Barbara cut her off.

Lucy was speechless. "What?" she managed eventually.

"I've been offered a job with the firm's LA office. It's a promotion . . . I'd be silly not to accept, but the timing's off . . . I don't want you feel that I'm abandoning you. That's the last thing I want. You seem to be coming along so well . . ."

"When will you go?" Lucy narrowed her eyes and she shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

"They want me to start next month."

"So soon? How long have you known about this?"

"A few months . . . oh it's been tearing me up Lu. I didn't want to tell you, because of the attack."

"Well . . . I guess all I can say is I'll miss you." Lucy said, aware she felt it too deeply.

"You're not upset then?"

"I'll be fine." _"Damn it! Why now? I need her, but this is something big in her life – you can't take that away from her – you just can't."_ "I've got Carter," she said weakly.

"Oh that's great. I will miss you so much. Now we have two things to celebrate. You getting your life back and my new job," Barbara said cheerfully.

Lucy smiled falsely and joined her mother in raising her glass. "Getting my life back? I'll never get it back. Things are changing too fast . . . and I can do nothing, but watch everyone pass me by."


	6. Haunting Me

**Haunting Me**

**AUTHOR: Piper Fox  
EMAIL: **

(Sept): A few weeks later . . .

The scream echoed throughout the apartment. Carter struggled to rouse himself from the enclosure of sleep, as the inhumane cry wailed again.

"No . . . get away," the voice pleaded. Carter was instantly awake with one thought on his mind. Lucy. He jumped out of bed and made his way quickly to her room. In the dim light he could see her figure. Drenched in sweat, tangled in sheets, she was very distressed.

"Not again," he muttered, as he moved to her side. "Lucy – wake up!"

She continued to twist wildly, trying in vain to escape the visions that were in her mind.

"C'mon Luce . . . wake up, please" he urged and suddenly she was immediately conscious. Her eyes were wild and had a look of complete fear. This made Carter shudder; he had seen this look in her blue eyes before, on the floor in curtain three.

Carter tried his most soothing voice. "It's just a dream Lucy . . . you're fine, you're safe". _"Who am I trying to convince?"_ he questioned himself. Lucy's recent nightmares were frightening him as much as they were terrifying her. They had begun only a week before and appeared to be worsening. Lucy, suddenly aware of what had happened, burst into tears.

"Lucy . . . it's okay," he said, pulling her into his arms. She continued to sob and was shaking uncontrollably.

"I . . . I'm sorry," she whimpered into his chest.

Carter held her face in his hands, and gently wiped her tears away. "Don't worry Luce, I'm here for you . . . you know that". She looked so innocent, it pulled at Carter's heart. He rocked her gently, instinct taking over. Before he could stop himself, his lips found hers. Tenderly he kissed her, forcing every inch of pain from her mind and body. She forgot all else in that special moment of passion. His lips were soft and warm, much like she remembered them. Carter pulled away, and Lucy's eyes flew open. The spell was broken. 'What were you thinking?' He was amazed at himself for giving into temptation so easily.

"Carter . . ." Lucy began.

"Never mind Lucy, I'm sorry I shouldn't have done that."

"I know, we are just friends. I understand that," she said softly. Silence followed before Lucy began to explain her dreams. "Until now I've only recalled being on the floor covered in blood and in so much pain. Now I see flashes of it, you know when he attacked me, the part I didn't remember. . . damn I thought I was over this. What am I going to do?"

"I wish I had a solution I really do," he said, hugging her again. "Do you want me to stay?"

Lucy nodded, closed her eyes and settled back down onto the bed. Carter did the same but found he just couldn't sleep. _"What am I going to do with you?"_ he wondered as he watched over Lucy.

Later the same day . . .

"Hey Carter." Peter Benton greeted his old student as he walked into the lounge. "Have you seen Mark?"

"Not lately. He was stitching up a kid last time I saw him."

"Thanks." He turned to go, but stopped. "How are you?"

"Not too bad," Carter responded rather unenthusiastically.

"I have to say you look awful, man," Benton said, concern evident in his voice.

Carter wondered what to say for a moment. "It's um . . . it's Lucy. She's having these terrible nightmares."

"Hmm," Benton said, nodding his head. "Is she seeing someone about it?"

"She was, but I don't know what to do. She doesn't want to go back to therapy. Her mother moved to LA a week ago and I think that's having an effect on her. You would expect that her mom has been very supportive, but without anyone else, Lucy has really relied on her. She's hurt by it, but won't admit it."

"That's tough. Maybe you should talk to her about it."

Carter sighed. "It worries me."

"She'll get through it . . . you are really close to her now aren't you?" Benton recognised the look in Carter's eyes.

"I guess we are," Carter confessed. "I've never really thought about it, but I . . ."

"You what? Carter?" Benton interjected, as Carter paused.

"I feel so much to blame for her injuries, physical or emotional. It's hard to live with sometimes. Especially now, when I see her like this."

"That's difficult," Benton replied slowly. "But I'm sure she appreciates you being there for her."

"I hope so," Carter said optimistically.

"I'd better find Mark. Good to see you again."

"Yeah." Carter grimaced as he watched him disappear. 'Why are we suffering through all of this?' he asked silently. 'I can't take it!'

"Carter, we need you." Lydia's voice pierced his thoughts. "There's a trauma coming in."

"Alright!" he snapped. "I'm coming." _"Damn this, damn everything"._ He stormed out abruptly, past a startled Lydia, who was left to wonder exactly what she had said wrong.


	7. Crash and Burn

**Crash and Burn**

**AUTHOR: Piper Fox  
DISCLAIMER: See part one; ****My first song ficfeaturing Savage Garden's song Crash and Burn. **

**When you feel all alone  
And the world has turned it's back on you  
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart  
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you  
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold  
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take it anymore**

(Sept): Later that night . . .

"Luce, we need to talk," Carter said, as he knocked on the door of her bedroom.

"Come in," she said, as he entered and sat next to her on the bed. "What's this about?"

"Your dreams."

"Look, I've told you I'm not going back to the psychiatrist," she snapped.

"What if I come with you?"

"I'm fine." Lucy had a bemused look on her face.

"I don't think you are," he said quietly.

"No, you're wrong Carter . . . just drop it okay. Sure, I miss my mom, but I'm fine really." She threw her hands up in disgust and fled from the room. Carter sat there in silence. _'What am I going to do?'_ He didn't want to push her too hard, but what else could he do. It was obvious to him that things weren't just going to blow over. A loud crash sounded from somewhere in the apartment.

**Let me be the one you call  
If you jump I'll break your fall  
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night  
If you need to fall apart  
I can mend a broken heart  
If you need to crash then crash and burn  
You're not alone  
**

"Lucy?" he said, getting up. "Are you okay?" There was no answer. Quickly he ran into the kitchen. Lucy was kneeling on the floor surrounded by broken glass, her hands covered in dark blood.

"Luce!" he cried out to her, but she remained still as a statue. Carter himself felt frozen in time. Then, as if she was in slow motion, Lucy lifted her head to reveal eyes glistening with tears.

"I . . . dropped a glass." She sobbed, slowly rising to he feet and staring at her hands, as if only just realising they were cut. "So much blood, why did he do this to me?" she whispered.

Carter stepped towards her. "It's all right, just calm down". She had only cut one hand, but it was a deep wound. He dressed it expertly, and then laid her down on her bed. He stayed beside her until she drifted off to sleep. _'She's in a bad way, you have to do something,'_ he thought. She woke some two hours later, after another nightmare.

Lucy's heart was pounding in her chest. She was terrified.

"What is it Lucy?"

"I remember it, Carter . . . I remember it all." She started to cry, big tears rolling down her cheeks.

"You can tell me." Carter encouraged her to let it out.

"He came at me with a knife and I pleaded . . . I really pleaded with him to stop, but he kept coming and I couldn't stop him, couldn't get away. He just grabbed me with such force and thrust the knife at me again and again . . . I never thought he would stop and I was so afraid, I thought I was going to die." She stopped realising that Carter was crying as much as she was. They embraced, neither wanting to let the other go. They stayed that way for what seemed like an eternity.

**When you feel all alone  
And a loyal friend is hard to find  
You're caught in a one way street  
With the monsters in your head  
When hopes and dreams are far away and  
You feel like you can't face the day **

Lucy stirred in the early hours of the next morning. Unable to sleep, for fear of what would happen if she did, she stayed awake. In the half-light she watched Carter. His lean body was sprawled over her bed in, what Lucy deemed, should have been an uncomfortable position. He slept soundlessly. Lucy reflected on the changing face of their unusual relationship. From doctor and med-student to enemies, to brief lovers, to distant workmates, and now to best friends. After the past few months with Carter, romantic thoughts no longer lingered on in her mind. Even after their kiss earlier, she just didn't feel that way. Now that they were friends it was how they were meant to be together. Just friends and she could now accept that without another thought. _'He's a wonderful man . . . insecure, but compassionate. I can see why I fell for him.'_ She could see what was happening, though. In spite of their strengthen relationship, she was beginning to push him away with her persistent problems. _'Sure, he feels guilty . . . but he shouldn't. I should. He should have a normal life, but instead, I've became a burden to him.'_ "Damn it" she swore. _'I have to put this all behind me.'_

**Because there has always been heartache and pain  
And when it's over you'll breathe again  
You'll breathe again.**


	8. Healing

**Healing**

**AUTHOR: Piper Fox  
DISCLAIMER: See part one. Margo James is my own character.  
**

Sept): A few hours later . . .

Carter woke the next morning at dawn. He looked around expectantly for Lucy and his heart quickened as he realised that she wasn't there beside him. He got up quickly and as he emerged from her room, his fears soon died. He could see her slender figure silhouetted against the morning sunshine from the window.

"Morning," he said.

"Hey . . . I've been doing some thinking," she said faintly, not bothering to face him. She sighed deeply. "I think I . . . I think I need some help."

Carter moved to stand alongside her. "That's a very good idea."

"I don't know where I've been these past few months." She continued to stare vacantly out the window. "It's like some ongoing nightmare, and I've only just woken up to the fact that it's not a dream after all. It's real. It's my life and it's a mess. I wanted to ignore it; I think I actually believed it would just fade away. I'm scared that I will never get over this Carter, and yet . . . all I want to do is take no notice of what's going on around me. How stupid am I?"

"You are not stupid, Luce . . . it's been hard on me too."

"But you aren't going crazy because of it."

"You are not crazy. I'll tell you something . . ." he began. "I am scared because I've managed to cope so well. My reaction has not been normal, Lucy. You are going though some kind of a process of dealing with something like this. Me, on the other hand, what if I end up having some kind of a mental breakdown years from now? It could happen and that is an absolutely terrifying thought."

"C'mon Carter, I know you . . . you don't let anything phase you."

"I have to live with the guilt. I thank God everyday that you live Lucy. It was my carelessness that almost got you killed. And damned if I'll let that happen to you or anyone else again."

She turned towards him, an astonished expression on her elegant face, but didn't or couldn't say anything.

"You are precious Luce, and don't you ever forget that."

"I don't know what to say," she managed at last. "I thought I knew you Carter, but I was wrong. All I ever saw was the uptight, insensitive distant shell you portray to the outside world. Now, I know that you're not really like that."

Carter shrugged off her comments. "Well you were the infuriating, ambitious med student. The perfect menace for a resident. But there's more to you than meets the eye."

Lucy giggled. "What happened to us?" She slid an arm around his waist.

He crushed her tightly in his grasp. "Don't you tell anyone . . . otherwise I'll have to kill you," he joked.

"Same goes for you too!" she said, shoving him off.

"Let's get some breakfast," he suggested.

She agreed and they departed. 'Things are looking up. I'm not going to ignore my problems anymore . . .' She smiled as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. 'Yes, it's time to leave this emotional torment behind.'

A few days later . . .

"I'm glad you came with me Carter," Lucy said, looking cautiously at the door of therapist Margo James. "This is tough."

"I know." Carter nodded. Aware of Lucy's anguish, he reached out and took her hand in his. It was icy to touch, but he smiled all the same. Lucy felt his support, like some invisible force that surrounded her with protection.

"I'm ready." She rose to her feet and was about to go in when she noticed that Carter was staring at her. "Don't worry . . . I won't let myself be dragged under by this anymore."

"I know." 'You are strong Luce; you don't need to remind me of that.' He watched her as she tentatively knocked on the door and went in. "At last." He sighed, with relief and satisfaction.

"Lucy . . . it's good to see you again." Margo James' bright face shone up at her. "Have a seat."

"Thank you." Lucy said, setting herself down into a comfortable armchair. 'Maybe this won't be too bad.'

"Well Lucy, we do we start?"

Lucy exhaled slowly. "I haven't been dealing with my problems very well, actually I've been avoiding doing anything about them. I want to take steps to work out my feelings so I can then begin to put my life back together."

Margo nodded. "Okay."

"I've been doing fine at work, I guess it helps when I have something to do, but I'm haunted by dreams of the attack . . ." She paused to glance around the room. "I can remember what happened now."

"Please go on, if you can."

"It was a normally stressful day in the ER, and it didn't help that Carter kept brushing me off. I remember being in curtain three with . . . Paul Sobriki. I had my back turned, doing something, I can't remember now. Anyway, I heard him cry out in pain, so I went to help him and all of a sudden he pulled a knife on me. It happened too fast for me to comprehend what was going on. I pleaded with him, but . . . he just kept on advancing. I couldn't escape; he had me trapped. He came at me . . . and thrust the knife again and again. Then, I'm on the floor, in the most excruciating pain, blood everywhere. I was so scared . . . I didn't know where he was, and I couldn't call out for help. I was there for what seemed like eternity, before I heard the door open and someone's feet appeared. Poor Carter. I couldn't even warn him."

"Lucy," Margo's voice was intense. "It's not your fault."

"I know, but I can't help thinking that maybe if I'd just been a bit more vigilant, he never would have got his hands on the knife."

"We all have regrets. You can't change what has occurred, and right now it will be hard to deal with. But soon, with a little bit of help, you can put this behind you."

"I know." Lucy smiled, but her eyes filled with tears. "I'm healing already."

"How did it go?" Carter asked, when Lucy appeared.

"Good." She hugged him affectionately. "Thankyou for being there for me. You never gave up, and I really appreciate it."

Carter felt a tug at his heart. "No problem, I don't regret it for a second."

"I'm making progress," she announced. "Today is the beginning of the rest of my life!"

Carter laughed. "Well then, we'd better go and celebrate."

"Sounds good to me." With renewed enthusiasm, she took his arm, and they left. _'I feel so much better.'_ She confided in herself. _'I'm truly happy to be alive . . .'_


	9. Difficult Choices

**Difficult Choices**

**AUTHOR: Piper Fox  
DISCLAIMER: See part one.  
NOTE: I know nothing about the medical profession and how you get there. Everything in my story is made to fit the plot line basically, so it's not true to life. You'll just have to go with it for the sake of the story.  
**

(November): A few weeks later . . .

"Lucy, good you're here." Kerry Weaver smiled as she spoke. "I'd like you to meet Dr Kevin McCarthy. He's from the ER department at San Francisco General."

"Hi." Lucy extended her hand to the middle-aged man in front of her.

"Nice to meet you, Lucy. Kerry tells me you will be showing me around the ER."

"Yes."

"Right, I'll leave you in Lucy's capable hands, Dr McCarthy. I have patients to see to." Kerry picked up a chart and walked away.

"Where do you want me to start, Dr McCarthy?" Lucy asked nervously and wondered exactly why Kerry had picked her to show him around the ER.

"Anywhere you like . . . and please call me Kevin." He smiled warmly, dispelling her anxious thoughts.

"Okay . . . Kevin, if you follow me, I will show you the first of our four exam rooms," she said, leading the way.

**A Few hours later . . .**

Lucy was surprised by how much she had enjoyed showing Kevin the ER, and letting him observe her for the day. He was an amusing companion, filling her day with endless anecdotes from his many years in the medical profession. Now, as they talked over coffee in the cafeteria, he was telling her about San Francisco.

"Yes, I have," she answered him. "I've always wanted to go back. It was the first place I applied for med school." It made her wonder. _'What would my life have been like if I had been able to practise medicine in San Francisco? I wouldn't have almost been stabbed to death, that's for sure.'_ She grimaced at the memory. _'Chicago has only brought me unhappy memories . . . but it did bring me to Carter.'_ A voice inside reflected. She shook her head. _'But that's over now . . . isn't it?'_

"What's wrong?" Kevin's voice broke through suddenly.

"What? Oh, I'm sorry, I was just thinking about-" A sudden cry silenced her. Lucy swivelled her head to see where the sound was coming from.

"My baby!" a woman screamed frantically. "My baby . . . He's choking."

Without thinking, Lucy leapt out of her chair and rushed to help the woman's child. "Ma'am it's okay. I'm a doctor. I'm going to help your baby." She took the child gently from the mother and knelt down. While carefully supporting his head, and neck she put his stomach over her knee and whacked him hard between the shoulder blades. Nothing happened. The baby was now beginning to turn blue. She did the same again. Still nothing, but then after a second, an object flew out of his mouth and he began to cry. Only then did Lucy become aware of the commotion around her. She handed the baby back to the grateful mother and walked away quickly to avoid the crowd of people.

"Nice work, Lucy."

Lucy looked a little embarrassed. "It was nothing really."

"Come on, you were very efficient and competent at what you had to do. It was very impressive Lucy. Not something to be taken lightly."

"Th . . .thank you," Lucy stammered.

"We are looking for students like you. If you are serious about San Francisco you should consider it," he said, as they made their way back to the ER.

'Transfer to San Francisco? Could I do that?' She thought with uncertainty. It was something she hadn't even considered before.

A week later . . .

Lucy took a deep breath, and slipped the envelope into the box. _'You've done it now, no turning back.'_ Her heart was pounding. _'Why do I feel so strange? I might not even be accepted . . . I have got to calm down.'_ She laughed out loud at herself. _'C'mon Luce, get a grip.'_ She told herself, as she walked home in the wintry conditions.

**(December): A few weeks later . . .**

Lucy was unsure what to do. She had received a letter earlier to inform her that her application, to transfer to San Francisco, had been accepted. Her day in the ER had been incredibly stressful, and that didn't help. First an MVA; the driver was DOA, the passenger was critical with serious head injuries and internal bleeding. Then an attempted suicide; an elderly woman had taken some toxic industrial chemicals because her husband had died the month before. Lucy was then stuck with a drunk who seemed to delight in throwing up on her. A small boy who had shot himself in the leg and lost an incredible amount of blood, came next. Then an endless line of people with aches, pains, cuts and bruises followed. Finally, extremely exhausted, Lucy went to seek a place of peace and quiet before her shift ended. She sat alone in the staff lounge, resting her head in her hands. She was contemplating the possibility of continuing her MD in San Francisco, when Carter entered.

"There you are Lucy . . . tough day."

"The worst," she said quietly.

"You were pretty good today, I'm impressed. Hey . . ." He saw the worn out expression on her face. "Never mind . . . it'll be a better day tomorrow."

She shook her head. "I don't think so."

"Sorry?" He was confused.

"I don't think I can do this any more."

"Sure you can. Our job isn't an easy one, and we all have bad days."

"This isn't just a bad day . . . I'm thinking of transferring to San Francisco."

"Oh," Carter said, noting the tone in her voice. "Are you serious about this?"

"Yeah, I just can't be here anymore," she said, reflecting on the past few months. "It's like there is some physical barrier that is stopping me . . . it's hard to explain."

"But you have been handling work fine, especially considering what you have been through in the past few months."

"That may be true Carter, but I feel like I'm wandering around with my eyes closed here. It's just not the way it should be. I don't want to be here in Chicago anymore. It would be nice to be closer to Mom too."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah." She looked up at him suddenly, taking in his face. "This place is still haunting me and I need to get away. I'm totally fine now, emotionally that is, but there is something else. And now the opportunity has presented itself."

"I didn't realise you felt this way, Luce."

She smiled at him weakly. "It's what I need," she said, affirming her decision.

"When will you go?"

"In January, I guess . . . my application was accepted."

"So soon? I can't believe you didn't tell me."

"I didn't want to in case I wasn't accepted . . . but I've always wanted to work in San Francisco. I think I need to start again."

"A fresh start will be good for you." Carter said, trying his best to sound convincing. He wanted to support Lucy in her decision, but he honestly had doubts that this was best.


	10. A Time to Remember

**A Time to Remember**

**AUTHOR: Piper Fox  
DISCLAIMER: See part one.  
**

**(Dec): A few weeks later . . .**

**"**Don't you miss it?" Lucy asked.

"Miss what?"

"That feeling."

"What?" Carter was confused.

"You know, when you're a kid and Christmas is like the most exciting night of the year."

"Okay . . ." Carter gave her a suspicious look.

"That exhilarated feeling of fun, all the spirit of . . . the season . . ." she caught his eye "I guess not."

"You love Christmas, don't you."

"Yeah, just me and Mom. We would do everything together. The tree, the decorations, the shopping." She smiled at the memory.

"Christmas wasn't always a success when I was a kid."

"Oh, why?"

"The angry parents, annoying relatives, the inevitable family argument."

"I'm sorry . . . did you enjoy any holidays as a kid?"

"No," he said, shaking his head slowly. "Although there was one Halloween, I went around with my cousin, Chase, doing a bit of neighbourhood redecorating."

"You did?"

"Yeah, but we weren't very popular after that," he laughed.

Lucy giggled. "So you were a trouble making kid . . . I find that hard to believe".

_'Her laughter is a nice change.'_ A small smile began to creep upon his face. "I'm going to miss you," he said, and the smile faded again.

Lucy was quiet again. "I know."

_'What? Aren't you going to miss me too?'_

"Oh God, I hate packing," she grumbled. "And this is only for a one week trip to see my Mom. Imagine what it's gonna be like when I finally move out of here."

"I can't bare to think about it." He laughed again. "Oh . . . I almost forgot." Jumping up, he rushed to his room and came back with a small parcel wrapped in shiny gold paper. "Here."

"Carter . . . I didn't expect a gift. I never got you anything," she confessed.

"Don't worry . . . think of it as an early going away present."

The doorbell to their apartment rang. "Thanks, I guess that's my ride," she said, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. "So I'll see you at New Year?"

"Yeah." Carter watched her go, unable to disguise the regret in his face.

**(Jan): A few weeks later . . .**

Lucy and Carter were waiting in the lounge at O'Hare airport. Lucy stared vacantly out at the crowds of people that were scurrying about the place. Her flight had been delayed, and Carter lingered on to keep her company.

"Passengers travelling on American Transair flight 623 to San Francisco . . ." the voice trailed off.

"That's me" Lucy sighed as she got up and stretched. They set off in silence.

"You're wearing it!" Carter said suddenly. "My gift I mean."

Lucy's hand flew up to her neck, to finger the silver locket around her neck. "Yes, thank you. I love it."

"Something to remember me by."

"Would I forget you?" Lucy remarked. "You might forget me!"

"I don't think so."

"Same here." _'This is so weird, I feel so strange.'_ Lucy told herself. "So this is it," she said, as they stopped.

"Yep." Carter shifted his weight uncomfortably. _'What am I supposed to say?'_

"Goodbye John." She surprised herself by calling him by his Christian name. _'What's with that?'_

"So you're certain about this?" _'OH MAN . . . what did you say that for?'_

Lucy shook her head, not really taking in his words. "I need to do this". She stared at him, taking in the features of his face. Imprinting it in her memory.

"Bye Lucy," he said, calmly waving as she walked away. Suddenly, she turned back and ran into his arms.

"I'll miss you." Her voice choked on the words.

"Same here," he said, slowly pulling apart. "Stay in touch."

She planted a kiss on his cheek. "Thank you so much Carter, for everything". Then she took a deep breath, one last look and boarded the plane.

Lucy found her seat, sat down and closed her eyes. Her heart was hammering and she felt sick to her stomach. _'Keep it cool,'_ she encouraged herself. _'This is what you wanted . . . then why do I feel so awful?'_

Carter watched the plane off into the distance and stared in disbelief at the empty sky. That was it. _'How come that was so hard? I never thought she would really go . . . but I couldn't have told her not to go because of me . . . or could I?'. 'Too late now.'_ He hung his head and left, with a gap in his heart.

_'Goodbye Chicago, goodbye ER, goodbye Carter. . .'_ "I love you." She said it so effortlessly but as soon as it flew out of her mouth, she sat up, startled.

"Are you alright dear?" The old woman seated next to her asked politely.

"Y . . . yes I'm fine," she said decisively in her mind, but her heart knew differently.


End file.
